My name is Joanna and I took the longest possible roundabout way back home to myself.
Right now, I am entering a new chapter of my life.
An evolved level of consciousness & existence.
This is why I have nothing to lose anymore by being fully raw because I already lost everything I was afraid to lose by being practicing being true.
When you're embodying your truth, everything you lose was in fact just self deception.
One of the things about me is I always loved to write. And I disowned that for the longest time.
And ever since my spiritual awakening, knowledge & wisdom carefully tucked within gushed out of me.
And I wrote. I wrote a lot. Pages & blog posts. Carefully choosing & crafting my words so that the world unambiguously & easily gulped my message. I cared how I came across. It mattered to me that the mind of the one who read my words made sense of them.
And trying to be & perform according to external rules dried me out to the point where I had to stop. I decided I will no longer write about things for the mind to process, but only things for the heart to receive.
Natural & supernatural things.
I decided that I will use my wholesome beingness & lived experience to show up in the world and teach people to do the same.
I decided my writing will be unfiltered by what I believe people are ready to hear.
I decided I cannot be at the expense of what I find to be true and alive, so I choose to show up as unsophisticated and raw as a bleeding wound.
I talked & wrote enough about trauma in a way that was expected & understandable. I talked & wrote about trauma from a psychologically conventional & agreeable standpoint.
Never in a way that was poetic.
Ruthless.
Unrefined.
Humane. Devastatingly humane.
Never in a way that actually mattered to me.
Never in a way that was wholeheartedly me.
I didn't know myself to this depth.
Now I broke myself open.
Now I am ungraspable because I liberated myself.
The no. 1 obstacle for me to fully own & embody me was shame. Shame happens when we learn as children to follow rules & standards that belong to somebody else. Shame deprives you of oxygen. Shame happens when you feel your core is decaying.
Unlearning shame is like getting out of the house naked and hope that the worst case scenario won't happen. The key to shame is self love & compassion. Having your own back.
So what unlearning shame taught me was that the truth of me is that I am a walking poetry that I was trying to sift, sort and curate to feel digestible to the world.
I believed that my truth will turn me into a villain.
And it did. It will.
It's inevitable.
But the alternative is a life where I am careful.
Careful with my words. Careful how much space I take. Careful how much of me you see. Careful how vulnerable I am. Careful who is around me when I'm weak. Careful who is around me when I am strong. Careful about things that make me happy, careful with things that sting & hurt.
A life of polishing me for you to love and accept so that I feel like I belong with you.
I don't want to belong where my multifaceted being is not celebrated. I am here to liberate myself and be real and alive. If you feel that way too, you're welcome next to me.
Comentarios