Understanding the Impact of Childhood Trauma
Trauma is a word we often associate with big, catastrophic events. However, it's important to recognize that trauma can manifest from seemingly small experiences too. It could be as simple as a look of encouragement that wasn't given, or the feeling of being ignored and invisible by your parents. Trauma can also stem from someone else deciding what your life should look like or assisting you in a disempowering way that sends the message, "I don't think you're capable of doing it alone." Even words of affirmation, like "I'll always be here for you, son/daughter," can leave a deep impact when the promise is broken or unfulfilled.
But here's the thing: trauma isn't (solely) about the event, the situation, the circumstances, or even the people involved. It's about how we internalize it and what meaning we assign to it.
Our nervous system is highly attuned, even from a young age, to pick up on the subtlest cues. When your mother gave you the silent treatment because you refused to eat your spinach, your body registered the tension and the absence of love. And when your father slapped you for getting a D, your impressionable brain absorbed the message that you were inadequate and unworthy.
Trauma is the profound impact of these experiences that occurred when we were too young and ill-equipped to process and understand them rationally. Our bodies, nervous systems, limbic systems, and minds all worked together to create survival tactics and mechanisms, enabling us to feel safe enough to move forward with our lives. It was our biology's way of ensuring that we would never be hurt in the same way again. However, this survival strategy came at a cost, as our authentic self fractured into polar opposites—a part that felt the pain and a part that aimed to protect us from ever experiencing it again (that developed the coping or defense mechanism).
Unpacking Unconscious Determinism and the Trap of Fate
Determinism, in its simplest terms, refers to the belief that events in our lives are predetermined and beyond our control.
Trauma has a profound role to play in shaping our belief that our lives, our reactions to the stimuli around us are all beyond our control. This is the literal definition of determinism. When we experience trauma, we can start to feel powerless and helpless, believing that our past determines our future, hence we live life in a reactive way, we succumb to feeling like there is nothing that we can do to change how we feel, how we think and what we do about our circumstances. In most cases, it doesn’t even cross our minds that we have the possibility to choose. Of course, it’s not about thinking our way out of trauma that I am suggesting here. I am merely suggesting that you need to get so sick and tired of always feeling at the mercy of things happening that you must decide that has to be another way to live than this. It’s a moment, a light bulb moment that makes all the difference.
It's disheartening to realize that a large portion of humanity walks this Earth in an unconscious state, shaped by determinism. When we perceive ourselves as victims of circumstance, we surrender our power and limit our potential for growth and transformation. But the truth is, we have the ability to break free from this cycle and reclaim our personal agency.
Today I want to tackle the trauma response that was created within us when we learned to people please in order to surivive in that specific environment in our childhood.
Breaking Free from Unconscious Determinism: Reclaiming Personal Agency
The People-Pleasing Trap and Its Origins in Childhood
Many of us fall into the trap of becoming people pleasers as a common reaction to trauma. When we were kids, certain parts of ourselves—the things that made us unique—might have been seen as "bad" or unacceptable. To protect ourselves, we learned to hide these aspects of who we truly were and instead became what we thought others wanted us to be. People pleasing became our survival strategy, a way to seek acceptance, love, and a sense of belonging. It felt like our ticket to fitting in and feeling safe. But little did we know that it was robbing us of our own authenticity and personal power.
Embracing Conscious Healing and the Path to Self-Liberation from Trauma Transforming trauma and stepping out of reactivity requires conscious effort and intentional choices. It's an ongoing process that calls for compassion, patience, and courage. By recognizing the impact of childhood trauma and understanding how it influences our reactive patterns, we open the door to a path of conscious healing.
Conscious healing invites us to cultivate a deep connection with ourselves, nurture self-compassion, and seek support. It involves exploring various healing approaches that resonate with us.
As we embark on this transformative journey of conscious healing, we gradually release the grip of unconscious determinism that has governed our lives. We reclaim our personal agency, rewrite the story of our past, and redefine our relationship with ourselves and the world. It's a profound process that allows us to step into our authentic selves, embrace our innate power, and live a life guided by conscious choices and intentional growth.
Conscious healing is about expanding your perspective and exploring alternative narratives to break free from the story that may have trapped you. It involves seeking the missing experiences that would have nurtured your healthy development as a child. What kind of experiences would you have wanted or needed instead? Healing is about actively pursuing those experiences and allowing yourself to fully embrace them in your body, mind, and soul.
For someone who has developed people-pleasing behaviors as a way to adapt to an environment that hindered authentic self-expression, healing would involve a transformative process. Imagine if you were reprimanded and punished every time you spoke up for yourself or expressed an opinion that contradicted the narrative your parents wanted you to have. As an adult, part of your healing journey would be to create space for your inner child to freely experience what was previously denied.
Healing looks like giving yourself permission to express your true thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment or punishment. It means approving of your own voice, opinions, and needs, and allowing yourself to be seen and heard. It involves nurturing a sense of self-worth and self-acceptance, understanding that your authentic self is deserving of love and respect.
Alchemizing People Pleasing into Self-Empowerment, Leading to Self Liberation
Inner alchemy paves the way for self-liberation from the trauma of feeling like the only way we're tolerated is by pleasing others and sacrificing our true selves for the sake of belonging. Inner alchemy, in simple terms, refers to the transformative process of turning our pain into personal growth and empowerment.
To alchemize people pleasing into self-empowerment, we need to first acknowledge the origins of our people-pleasing tendencies and understand that they were developed as survival mechanisms during our upbringing. These behaviors were attempts to find safety and validation, but they limited our ability to express our authentic selves and pursue our own dreams.
To undergo this alchemical transformation, we start by cultivating self-awareness. We consciously examine our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, seeking to understand why we prioritize others' approval over our own well-being. Through self-reflection, we gain insight into the patterns that keep us trapped in the cycle of people pleasing.
Simultaneously, we nurture a deep sense of self-acceptance. We reconnect with our inner voice, acknowledging and honoring our own desires and needs. This means listening to ourselves, valuing our own opinions, and recognizing our inherent worthiness. It's about shedding the belief that our value solely depends on the acceptance of others and embracing our unique strengths and qualities.
In this alchemical process, we challenge the limiting beliefs that have kept us stuck in the people-pleasing mindset. We gradually replace them with empowering beliefs that affirm our self-worth and affirm that we are deserving of love and respect just as we are. It's about breaking free from the fear of rejection and embracing the courage to be our authentic selves.
Through inner alchemy, we liberate ourselves from the grips of people pleasing. We learn to prioritize our own well-being and set healthy boundaries. We become comfortable with saying "no" when necessary and expressing our true thoughts and emotions without fear. By valuing our own needs and desires, we create a life that aligns with our true identity and aspirations.
The path to self-liberation through inner alchemy is an empowering and transformative one. It allows us to reclaim our personal agency, embrace our authentic selves, and live a life guided by our own values and passions. As we choose this path, our entire life changes.
Choosing the Path of Self-Liberation However, transforming trauma is not you fixing yourself, just like in alchemy, the essence of the material remains constant, it is only refined, purified and exalted into a higher state. You are not broken and in need of 'repair'. But your mind and body are so convinced that healing has to mean fixing yourself, that it's only when it dawns on you that healing is about understanding you never needed healing in the first place is when you actually 'heal'. Its a full circle.
But to get to the understanding that you needn't go anywhere, you must begin the journey. You need to allow yourself to roam first to get to the awareness. It feels counterintuitive. And it is.
But by embarking on this path, you give yourself the gift of self-liberation. We liberate ourselves from the chains of unconscious determinism of trauma and embrace the freedom to live life on our own terms.
Self-liberation, in simple layman's terms, refers to the process of freeing oneself from limitations, restrictions, and inner barriers that hinder personal growth and authentic expression. It involves breaking free from self-imposed limitations, people's expectations, and negative beliefs that hold us back from living a fulfilling and empowered life.
Imagine self-liberation as taking off heavy chains that have been weighing you down. It's about releasing self-doubt, fear, and insecurities that prevent you from embracing your true potential and living life on your own terms. Self-liberation empowers you to break free from the shackles of conformity and societal pressures, allowing you to authentically express your thoughts, emotions, and desires without judgment or fear of rejection.
It's a journey of discovering your inner strength, reclaiming your personal agency, and embracing the freedom to make choices aligned with your values and aspirations. Self-liberation is about living authentically, pursuing your passions, and embracing the unique qualities that make you who you are. It's a pathway to self-empowerment, where you liberate yourself from the limitations of the past and step into a life of authenticity, fulfillment, and joy.
As we unravel the layers of trauma, we uncover the resilient and courageous parts of ourselves that have been waiting to emerge. We tap into our innate wisdom, compassion, and strength, creating a ripple effect that extends beyond our own lives. Through our healing journey, we inspire others to embark on their own paths of self-discovery and conscious healing.
So, dearest, remember that you are not defined by your past. You have the power to step out of reactivity and into conscious healing. Embrace the adventure of self-liberation, knowing that each intentional choice you make brings you closer to reclaiming your personal agency and transforming trauma into resilience, authenticity, and an empowered way of being.
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