This one is for those of us who have never felt anything close to love. For those of us who have never even conceived of loving ourselves and valuing ourselves.
I don't expect you to unlearn self hate overnight. I don't want you to even try and bulldoze yourself with affirmations that you don't believe. Self love is not learned like that and having expectations of being all lovey dovey is not realistic. It's plain self abuse. So all I want for now is for you to look at your hate for yourself. What is this hate? Did you know that hate is just a cover for hurt? Or that self hate comes with depression, masochism, intense shame? You hate yourself when you must be a certain way, but you feel you can't. You start learning to hate yourself when society tells you that what you are and who you are and how you are is wrong and bad and unacceptable, so you must become something else in other to be received.
So when we try and try and try and see we cannot change and be "better", we start rejecting and denying and then eventually hating the sides in us that make us unlovable by our community. We never truly hate per se, I like to believe,we just never know how to express our hurt. We hurt for bot being taken as we authentically are. We fear to express what is painful because that always meant being rejected and denied for that specific pain. So we unconsciously choose to bury it deep in our subconscious , away from our awareness.
We make it be about us. We make it so the narrative we start telling ourselves is that we are at fault and that something must be innately and irreparably wrong with us. We make it so we blame ourselves for not being able too do better, to be better. We look at others thrive and being happy and we feel incapable and powerless to being that way. We hate ourselves for always doing bad and always being bad. We hate ourselves for not being good enough as we are told we should be. We hurt so badly in the meantime but we don't allow our hurt to just be we suppress it, we repress it, we hunt it down until we transmute it into hatred. Self hate is taught, my friend. Self hate is not a inherent trait you were born with and have to perpetually live with.
If you hate yourself you have probably been the scapegoat in your family. You have probably been blamed and made responsible for anything and everything that was wrong. So when you hear spiritual teachers preach about self love this concept is completely foreign to you. Some of us have probably become sarcastic about it and we reject this by calling it a new age bullshit. And I guess that what the term has become to mean to a lot of people is far from actual self love. Self love is not the mushy things that you have probably come across on so many spiritual pages. And I understand completely why you feel like loving yourself is inaccessible to you and like it is to so many of us.
So I am not going to ask of you to love yourself on the spot. It's not q button that you push and you suddenly start seeing yourself as worthy and amazing after years and years of doing the exact opposite and self programming into rejecting and disowning yourself through hatred. If you are here, then you're definitely a match to wanting to switch from the frequency of self hate to that of self love. And what that means is that we need to take it slowly. Baby steps. Like I said I don't expect you to love yourself now. I just want you to first and foremost find things you hate a little less about yourself.
Look in the mirror first. You probably find 1000 things to hate and criticize about yourself. It's completely understandable. But what is one thing that everyone says they like about you? Remember what your friends say or your family say they appreciate about you. And if you don't have friends or family to tell you what they like about you, then try to find one thing that you hate a bit less about yourself. Maybe it's the color of your hair or your nose. What about your appearance you hate less than everything else? And if you can't find anything that you hate less about yourself, you have programmed yourself not to see it because that gets in the way of the subconscious narrative of self hate. And that is also understandable. Have patience with yourself. If you can't find anything you hate less about yourself, it's ok. Don't bulldoze yourself. That only means you need to have patience. And that is ok too, believe it or not.
Start a journal if you know you are a consistent person and can keep such a practice. Everyday write down things about you that you don't hate too much. Everyday write down what you did less of what hurts you or the bad thoughts you caught yourself having about yourself. You don't need to change your thoughts or force yourself into having opposite ones, just take a step back and watch them unfold in their narrative.
Today, I smoked a cigarette less and felt good about my choice.
Today I made my bed and I felt good about it.
Today I didnt exactly hate the clothes I was wearing. They were ok.
Today I helped an old lady cross the street and I felt good I could be of service.
Today I opened myself to me more. I told myself what hurts and how it feels when it hurts.
Today I took the long road back home to walk through a park and look at the trees.
Today I chose to sit in the sun.
Today I thought less about suicide.
After a while, when you don't feel triggered anymore by not hating yourself the way you used to, you can take it to the next level:
Take a look at whatever you are that you never approved of. What do you still hate the most about you? Maybe you hate that you think you are worthless. Then start questioning that without forcing any change right now. Start an entire rhetoric like: "What is being worthless anyway? Who determines what worth is? Society? So if a rich person is worthy being because of their status if that same person loses their wealth overnight, that means their worth goes out the window too? At what amount of money does your worth start to show? Which career is more worthy? A lawyer, a doctor? Why is being a farmer or a janitor less worthy, if its honest work?? If we have a society full of lawyers and doctors, who is going to grow food so you can eat and who is going to keep everything clean? So if only a status gives you worth, then that means a baby is not worthy? It makes no sense. " etc.
Just by merely starting to question what has been unquestionably acceptable and set in stone until now shows a shift in your vibrational field.
Also, remember something that few people talk about: if you love something outside of yourself, you're actually loving yourself at the same time. Why? Because everything is oneness and there is nothing outside of you that isn't inside of you. So basically if you love a flower you love yourself. It's that simple. If you know how to love a flower, you already know how to love yourself. It's not this difficult task that you need to accomplish and at the end of it you have the answer of self love.
Bottom line: self hate is a very valid feeling. But at the same time it is nothing but an illusion. A very powerful and compelling one that has kept us safe and surviving in the past. But now we must understand that we can choose to ppt out of self hate mode. Let the possibility to choose not to live in an atmosphere of hatred give you the relief that you need.
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