I am a recovering codependent.
As a codependent, I was raised to be ashamed of my true self and merge with somebody else as the only way to have a relationship and the only way to be. I grew up with a toxic shame that something was innately wrong with me for who I authentically was (meaning different than what I was told I should be), and whenever I found myself going astray from the "norm", I felt an overwhelming feeling of "I will never be able to fix myself enough to be how I should be" . My mom, even though she loved me a lot, she had immense emotional issues that were unresolved and that she unconsciously transferred to me. She was overbearing to the point to where I was punished for even voicing thoughts that were different than what I was taught is the "right" way to think or to be. So because of the extreme amount of control, I had no room and space to grow and figure out what was right and wrong for me as an individual, all I could do was a child was become the extension that was expected of me. I never had the right or the opportunity to choose and to find out what I truly liked, everything about me was controlled to the teeth - the clothes that I wore, the food that I ate, the haircut I had, the way I spoke and behaved, who I was friends with. There was not one area in my life that I had a say in. And if I did, I was met with a staggering no, cold shoulder, dismissal, denial and even corporal punishment. And because I always fell short of what she expected of me, my mother shamed me with any occasion. Her favorite saying was "you should be ashamed of yourself". And I was. She didn't know she was raising a codependent because anytime she withdrew love from me I was abandoning myself and betrayed myself completely so that I can keep my connection with her and meet her needs.
My need to be different or act differently than what I was taught didnt mean a huge deal, it was, for instance, as mundane as making my bed later in the day, not when my mother wanted me to, in the morning. Eating only the things I wanted to eat and not everything from the plate simply because I didn't like everything on my plate, dressing more colorful than my mother thought it was decent of me, expressing something in my own words, not through other people's words etc. I know at face value these petty trifling things may make you wonder how they could have ever made me develop so much shame. Well, when we are children we are easily impressed and take things personally, and so whatever you do or say to a child in a consistent manner, by punishing or dismissing them, the child learns that the only right way to do anything or to be is the canonical, conventional way that the parent conditions him/her to. Anything else is just wrong and bad. And so it is no surprise why one of my core beliefs that generated so much shame in me is "Being different means something is wrong with me". I am now aware of it and working on it, I now know that my mother showed her love in the best way she knew how, the same way her mother showed to her. Her mother, my grandma, was a very critical person, very rigid and showed my mom little love. There's no wonder why my mom raised me in an atmosphere of shame, she herself felt rotten at the core because of the constant critique from my grandma. My mom carries a deep pain that she still doesn't know she has, a pain that she expected me as a child to resolve by fulfilling a role she assigned for me.
Shame is not an easy feeling to appease and forgiving the people who humiliated us, intentionally or not, requires that we give rise to compassion in our souls for them. It is the only way to forgive. Our parents put all of their expectations onto us as their parents did the same with them and from their perspective it makes sense why they would do that. In our childhood we fully take on what they tell us about ourselves because we look at them as gods that know everything and that we depend on for survival. But growing up, especially when we have our spiritual awakening, we start waking up to the fact that parents are not gods that know everything, even if our inner child desperately wants to believe that. Our parents are human beings with their own traumas and unmet needs that they unconsciously want us to fulfill and when children don't do it, shaming happens.
Shaming arises and becomes ingrained whenever the person who does the shaming doesn't differentiate between doing bad and being bad.
Shame is all about not meeting certain standards and expectations that the family values and the culture you grew up in impose on you, standards that you either meet or you're bad or less than. It's a black or white thinking. For instance the standard of making the bed early in the morning is meant to show that a person is hardworking and not lazy, and this standard was not met by me, in the previous example, because I chose to make the bed later on. Does that make me a less worthy person, a lazy person for not meeting this standard and for doing it differently? Obviously not, but my ingrained shame did a pretty good job at convincing me otherwise. Shame is the most poisonous emotion. It teaches people to stay inside their shell, fear the world and themselves and believe there is always something to be mended or fixed about who they authentically are. Shame leaves deep wounds and an agonizing loneliness and emptiness. Healing from shame starts when we begin to question the fixed reality of our core beliefs. Why being different must mean being bad or broken? Who sets these standards and why, by not blindly complying, are we somehow undesirable, unacceptable or irreparable? It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a sick society, said Krishnamurti. Standards change as times change. And, if like me, you have a deep sense of shame, ask yourself is it worth sacrificing your authenticity with everything it implies to meet some societal standards that will be most likely be seen as obsolete in a matter of years? Give yourself permission to be you, to be different. And so after you started questioning the absolutized standards that you had entrenched, you need to start reframing the core beliefs around being different, that cause you so much shame. And you can start doing it through affirmations as follows:
Being different gives me the opportunity to find out and decide what is right for me and what works for me, and not take what is given to me as being right.
Being different than what I was taught I should be is a service I'm doing for myself as well as for the entire world.
If I allow myself to be different than what I was told I should be, I have the opportunity to learn something new about myself.
By giving myself permission to be different and act differently, I choose to discover and honour my authenticity, my truth and what is right for me and so, live a purposeful and meaningful life.
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