When people hold beliefs that are considered bad, they tend to suppress them because they are made to feel shame for them.
Punishment. Pushing against. Shaming. Making the other feel guilty.
This is the knee jerk reaction we have towards the person doing us wrong. And of course it's understandable and completely valid because what we're actually doing is forcing the other person to have empathy towards us and have them feel what we felt when they hurt us. This is what punishment actually is.
However... this never produces long term understanding and effects. When you punish a child for stealing a cookie without sitting down with him and asking why he did what he did and explaining the reason why is wrong to steal, the child will only suppress and feel guilty without knowing why it's wrong what he did. An adult is no different though because an adult hurting another person is nothing but the wounded inner child acting out.
When people hold beliefs that are considered bad by the society, they tend to suppress them because they are made to feel shame for it. That doesn't mean the belief doesn't exist anymore. It's just pushed deep into the unconscious. And therefore even more dangerous. Dropping the shaming of the person holding a negative belief or having done something negative is the only way we can ever have an honest conversation about a painful triggering subject. Until then all we're dealing with is just the resistance to change. And a half ass life...
De-shamefying is not about invalidating the victim and validating the perpetrator, in whatever case that may be. De-shamefying a belief does not equate making it right or ok to have. It does not entitle the one holding the belief to act on their belief.
It's not about staying silent about it nor does it mean making the person holding the belief comfortable.
It's about empathy. It's about having an open and life altering conversation. De-shamefying is about listening without holding judgement.
It's about allowing the person to feel safe enough to explore the deeper cause of it.
People are not born racist or misogynist. People learn that. And whatever is learned, can be unlearned. But the only way to unlearn such a conviction is to have the courage to look deep within to the reason it was there in the first place. Whoever dares to do that, liberates himself.
Comments