We have to understand that what looks like love a lot of the time isn't.
It's a hard pill to swallow. But that doesn't make this pill any less true.
Our concept of what love looks like comes from what we have seen in our family dynamics.
So if we saw violence or neglect, we're going to unconsciously look for partners that mirror that initial wounding and match it. Therefore, we first have to look at what love is not in order to later on understand what it is:
Self sacrifice is not love.
Staying with someone even after they were repeatedly violent towards you and abusive is not love.
Forgiving someone too soon and before you are truly ready is not love.
Hijacking someone's autonomy and free will is not love.
As a parent deciding that what you want for your child is best for him/her even though it's obviously making them miserable is not love.
Saying yes when you mean no just to make the other happy is not love.
Enabling someone is not love.
Not speaking your truth for fear it will upset your partner is not love.
Becoming comfortable with your unmet needs is not love.
Finding excuses and justifications for every hurt is not love.
Endlessly giving to people is not love.
Even if every story we tell ourselves about why we put up with a miserable relationship is soothing us and making it more comfortable, at the end of the day, when you draw the line, you have to know that if it hurts more than it feels good, it's probably not love.
It's trauma.
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