We keep saying how people should accept us and how unfair it is when it is asked of us to limit our authenticity or to dismiss parts in us to fit into and belong to whatever society and community we want to belong to. I keep seeing quotes up and down on instagram on how you should never give up on yourself for someone else, how you can't make yourself small for other people to love you etc. Which is all good and beautiful.
However.
The toughest part is not to dismiss the dismissive people and be yourself anyway, the toughest part is seeing how you do the same to them. Nobody really wants to look at how they are part of the problem because that realization is highly uncomfortable and the ego will backlash with strong defense mechanisms, mainly with anger, deflection (e.g. "They're the bad guy, they want me to change!) insults, defensiveness (e.g I'm not doing, I'm not part of this problem, I'm the victim!) etc. But the realization that each side holds their own responsibility to end this is not meant to invalidate, deny or further downplay anyone's importance, sense of self, self worth. However understandable it may be to deny any implication they may have into perpetuating this scenario of conditional acceptance, the triggered ego of the "victim" in this case cannot let them see without an emotional reaction to it, how they do have power to change and forever be done with this.l, even if at face value, it may look like it's not the case.
When you want and demand of the other person to accept you as you are and are adamant that they do so, how are you making any difference? If you don't want to change so as to accommodate their view on you, you asking of them to change so that they accommodate you is... the same. We want uncondtional acceptance from people, but we cannot accept that they cannot accept. To begin to shift perspective is to understand that we are stuck in this game of power struggle. The miracle of unconditional acceptance lies in surrendering to it. Fighting it will only take you as far and you have seen how far it takes you. Literally nowhere. So why not try a different approach in such a case? There is nothing to lose, but there is everything to gain. And this radical approach to those who ask of you to change for them to be comfortable is for you to accept their intolerance and take them as part of you exactly as they are.
If we cannot see that we are part of the problem, we cannot hope to be part of the solution, paraphrasing Deepak Chopra. So unless we're finally willing to do so, we move nowhere from here.
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