How many times have you said "Its not like I have had major traumatic events happen in my life! My childhood was good compared to other children's childhoods!" This statement - believe it or not- is a self defeating one, even if, taken at face value, minimizing it may make you feel a bit better about your past and through comparison, it makes you feel a sort of relief. It is not.
Remember when your parents used to do that by saying "You have so much compared to other children in Africa". Or some other comparison traps that were meant to make you ask for less from them. Even if you could not disagree with that, there was however something off about statements like that, but as a child, you couldn't exactly put your finger on what it was. However you unconsciously internalized the comparison and you therefore learned to minimize your pain. But how is comparison gonna make your pain feel less painful ? It is not.
Also remember those times when your caregivers made your reality feel less real? Remember when you said to them "I hurt my leg" and one or both of them said "It's nothing, don't make a big deal out of it"? That is what I mean making your reality less real. That is called gaslighting. They minimize what you feel or see or hear, they minimize your perceptual reality and experience because they themselves don't know the right and healthy ways to deal with emotions,so they do what they have learned from their parents: they deny, disown , dismiss and/or minimize them. So by internalizing the voice of your parents that has gaslit you into not feeling, you unknowinglyturn into your own gaslighter.
By minimizing your wound, whatever that wound is, you need to understand that you are not making yourself feel better and you're not loosening the grip of your pain. You are gaslighting yourself into not feeling it anymore. But that only adds one more layer to a pain that is already festering in the darkness of your subconscious, away from any awareness. By minimizing your wound all you do is feel a bit better on the spot and all you do is invalidating yourself and your feelings. Let yourself feel whatever comes up without the need to compare to anyone. Everyone went through a lot of hurt and everyone experienced it and coped with it in their own unique way. None is less important or more important. Each pain is real and valid and should be taken as it is, not as we think or we were told it should be or feel. Be with yourself because you matter just as much as anyone else. You should be seen just as much as anyone else without assigning any sort of comparison. It's not the depth of a trauma that should decide how much understanding and compassion one gets from their fellow human beings. It's the need for authentic connection and authentic living that should decide that. Minimization should disappear from the way we interact with each other because it is one off the obstacles that prevent authenticity.
Comments